Your Time & Your Boundaries
Have you ever acted with good intent, but it’s not landed that way?
It happens to us all. It’s a pretty universal experience if you ever interact with any other people. 😂
I managed to do it this week and it was a real eye-opener.
These intention-result gap moments are great for shining a light on the differences between your paradigm and others. If you are as lucky as me, these moments will be met with openness from both sides and you can learn something about yourself and those close to you.
And who doesn’t love learning why they do what they do?
Do those overdue tasks make you nervous? 🥵 Does that look like working late, or like a tomorrow-you problem?
Your paradigms are not likely to be obvious to you. Can you imagine if you analysed every assumption you make? Questioned every single thing you think you know about the world?
That would be exhausting. No one would get anything done and we’d all exist in a state of existential wondering.
But, if you have the space for a little bit of introspection, the interactions that come from a paradigm different to yours are great for investigating where you are - and if your assumptions are helpful.
It’s important to note, that no paradigm is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. We all have internal maps of the world that have developed over time to protect us and help us manage the unique landscapes we are living in. They are all aiming for the same higher purpose of understanding and navigating life - but sometimes some assumptions aren’t helpful anymore. These are the ones worth investigating.
In this particular intention-result gap moment, I was shown with how I value my time… and discovered that I, frankly, just don’t. I had checked a plan was still OK to go ahead, and gave the other person a reason to cancel in my message checking our plans were still OK.
Checking in on plans is a good idea. Providing a reason to cancel while you check is something else!
The paradigm I was met with was one of absolute concrete reliability and self-trust, in a place I didn’t realise I was lacking. It was in their diary, they had made the time, they would be there - I didn’t need to check, because they honour their commitments.
In this moment I realised two things:
I do not value my time as highly as I value others’ time.
I think of myself as a nuisance when I ask others to make time for me - even when they are a willing participant. Ouch.
Now, if you’ve ever taken Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies quiz*, it will not surprise you that I uphold my obligations to others far better than obligations to myself.
*Definitely take the quiz if you don’t know what obligations you stick to - very useful to know!
Sometimes you gotta take a Wednesday morning off to swim - even with 10 overdue tasks looming 😂
But why does that matter? What’s that got to do with exercising?
If you are like me, this will be familiar… but not in a good, homely way.
If other people’s time is more valuable, and you are more willing to uphold other’s priorities than your own… it doesn’t exactly build a world of self-trust and self-worth. Holding your boundaries isn’t going to feel great, because they aren’t really ‘worth’ it.
That can then cross over into how others value your time. If you can cancel on yourself at the drop of the hat, chances are you’ll accept it when others do too (guilty as charged 🙋♀️) - further reducing the perceived value of your time.
Your time is just as valuable as anyone else’s. Your 15 minutes for you are just as valuable as Jeff Bezos’ 15 minutes are for him.
Here’s the kicker - Your time is valuable, but if you don’t value it and have appropriate boundaries around it, your priorities will never be your priority.
So if you’re reading this like “damn, I do do that…”, worry not. I got your back. We can all work to value our time more by understanding, respecting and communicating our boundaries - including the boundaries you have with yourself…
#1 Understanding
Do you know how you would like to spend your time? If not, it’s time for some soul searching.
When you know how you want to spend your time, you can understand the boundaries you’d like to have around it - namely, how you spend it and what you prioritise. What behaviours are acceptable regarding your time?
#2 Respecting
When you know what you’d like your boundaries to be, it’s time you respect them.
No more cancelling on yourself for other people. No more putting your priorities on the back burner. No more waiting to be told what to do - this is your time and you get to choose how to spend it.
This one goes both ways - If you make a commitment to someone else’s time, you gotta respect that too.
#3 Communicate
It is safe to communicate your boundaries (with the right people - if it’s not safe to communicate your boundaries, it’s time to find new people!).
It’s OK to tell people it’s not cool to cancel last minute. It’s OK to want a firmer plan by a set time. It’s OK to turn down a commitment or plan because you are focusing on your priorities.
You know how you want to spend your time, you know what you need to spend your time on. You are the only one who can be truly clear on what you can and want to commit to! It’s on you to communicate that!
When you can understand, respect and communicate your boundaries, you build trust that you value your time.
That you value you.
It’s also easier to truly honour those around you when you can honour yourself first. You know where you stand, and you can commit appropriately. Amazing.
Got to ring fence that work time too - just as well my dog is small, right?!
Now, what about the elephant in the room? I don’t have the time to choose what I do with my time.
Not having (or choosing) the time is different from not honouring your time.
If you are a carer, parent, business owner, or in any other time of life where some commitments are non-negotiable, your time may not be entirely yours. Life sometimes doesn’t give a damn if you’re tired - but you still can.
Your morning cuppa might become sacred. You could listen to your favourite podcast before bed. You can take a moment to move your body for you in a moment of quiet.
You can still honour yourself in little ways to keep that trust going.
And if you are choosing not to take the time for you because of another priority? If it feels truly right, then I support you. Just make sure you take some time soon!
But what if you don’t feel brave enough, worthy enough, or even like you can value your time?
Then it’s time to take a chance on you. This is one layer down in the self-discovery onion, recognising this belief is the first step in understanding and working to find a more helpful belief.
How you value your time and your boundaries is implicitly linked to how you meet your goals - exercise-related or not. If you’ve been struggling with consistency or showing up, you might not need another planner to schedule things. You might need to dig deeper and clear out the unhelpful beliefs holding you back.
How do you honour your time and your boundaries?
Sometimes valuing your time looks like a nap, or an early night. Sometimes it looks like being extra AF.
Want my help tackling your limiting beliefs? Drop me an email on seonaidh@seonaidhjamieson.com, and let’s agree a time to talk!
