Attention Regulation

I'm about to take my second ever dose of medication for ADHD.

And oh. My. God.

ADHD is not a lack of attention, it's a reduced ability to REGULATE your attention.

Normally I have an internal monologue that talks faster than I do. It jumps from topic to topic, and really unhelpfully loops on negatives. I cannot control this for more than a few seconds, and those seconds are INTENSE. My emotions are in charge and while I've got better at handling them, they absolutely run the show. It makes it hard to access and apply the logic, reason, and information stored behind the chaos in my brain.

And it is chaos.

Yesterday when the meds started working there were gaps between my thoughts. I could move my thoughts on and off topics when I *chose* to. It was easier to stay on topic, or move away from ruminating. My emotions felt different too. Instead of flying the plane, they were more like an information gauge. They had an impact, sure, but I was still the pilot. I now get why people have said "don't worry about it" and thought it was helpful - it is not helpful or even possible for an ADHD brain.

The chaos was replaced by calm, and I could pull out information and logic from my mind in a way I always thought I could, but never actually could. I could hold more in my working memory without my mind offering me unhelpful alternatives.

Instead of being at the mercy of whatever my brain was doing, I was able to use my brain. The comparison is so stark, and I am really not surprised I struggled.

I was trying so hard to keep up, but working so hard to overcome all of this internal noise and resistance before anything happened in the world.

I could start tasks without "feeling like it" and I didn't need to negotiate with myself.

It was so calm. There was space in my mind. Time was consistent, not dragging then passing in the blink of an eye.

I am not lazy, or too sensitive, or overthinking for fun. I've lived 29 years with unmanaged ADHD and I've done my very, very best.

ADHD isn't just hyperactive little boys. It's a neurodevelopmental condition impacting all genders and all ages. It's serious too, unmanaged ADHD into adulthood is associated with a 13 year reduction in life expectancy due to accidents, homicide, or suicide.

Medication is safe, effective, and makes a huge difference.